The question was posed to me, "Isn't all this concern with self-image very egocentric? That is, a way of becoming or being totally self-absorbed? We have to think past ourselves and do things for others," so said the person. I certainly agreed with that last thought.
Perhaps, we should also be talking about self-esteem or our feelings of worthiness or call it our "loveability quotient." The thing that came to my mind immediately was the Golden Rule, which originated in the Bible, and there, was not termed a "rule" at all. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," as one translation renders the words from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount.
I hardly think anyone would quibble with the principle of being well-treated no matter what they believe. So why don't many people treat others well? If you have been fortunate in receiving positive treatment in your life, then extending the same to others is a natural thing for you to do. But what if you have not been well-treated and you are left with feelings of inadequate self-worth? How then are you likely to treat others in kind? Can anyone consistently do what they do not know how to do?
Isn't a balanced view of self healthy? In that state one neither thinks too much or too little of oneself. I think of that as being "UN-self-aware." That is, it is the ability to get past the self on a consistent basis. Being "consistent" is the true test. We usually can manage concern for others for a short time. But we then revert to type and our relationships reflect what we feel inside about ourselves. It seems when deep-seated feelings within us consistently make us feel inadequate they inhibit altruistic thoughts and action toward ourselves and others. Self-deprecation may sound humble but then, doesn't it also seem like fishing for reinforcement?
Not to say that most of us don't have some shaky moments. But it is when we feel consistently unloved or like we don't matter that we withdraw, imagine others don't like us, get testy, vie for attention, criticize, get hurt feelings—how many more descriptions could we add? Hopefully, it is a temporary phase. All too often it isn't.
How about the people who show conceit? Is their self-image intact? In all the years of doing personnel work and coaching in customer service that type of personality has been the most interesting to study. So many people have trouble taking instruction and instead resist being told anything. Outright defiance of authority is very common and so is covert resistance. In fact, it is increasing. People showing just plain bad attitudes.
It seems that this type of behavior may have stemmed from one of two origins: first, the kind of person who received inordinate and perhaps undeserved praise and came to believe his or her own press. And now is a swell head, which ain't swell.
More common though, is the person who did not receive healthy recognition and eventually resorted to giving it to self. In industry, both types of such people take credit but don't give it. In their minds it was their effort, not a team effort, that created a successful outcome. They consider the "little people" as a way to get the job done for them. Then those people cease to exist until the next time they need them. And if things get fouled up, guess who gets the blame? Their feeling of self-importance comes out through their pores. They don't have to verbally express it; their demeanor shouts it. That attitude emotionally alienates people who have to deal with them. They are left to live alone in their own ivory towers, patting themselves on the back as they board their mental elevator.
What if we have a persistent problem with how we feel about ourselves? There is help but it has to come from self-motivated choices. We believe what we want to believe. Nobody can do it for us. One way, to change the pattern is to take stock of what we have going for us—our strengths. Assessing them accurately can be a weak point for many.
So, in either extreme: thinking too little or thinking too much of self causes one to be very self-aware and thus, self-centered. And there gets to be a lot of energy wasted on the past and less on conscious living in the moment. (Enter the parents with the problem who set the bar for their kids. A can of worms we will keep the lid on for now. Stay tuned for when we talk about the mundane aspects of domesticity.)
There is a lot of help out there to mend the problem. Probably under-rating is easier to fix than a bloated self-important view. That type of person may have to have something happen to de-elevate the ego first.
Thud. And not a pretty sight when they land. (Why do onlookers secretly feel like applauding when they get their come-downance?)
Remember how the Reticular Activating System works?—(check Sept. archive subjects)—you will attract to yourself what you send out. You will only let in information and help within the latitude of your comfort zone. So, go easy and be kind to yourself as you stretch just a little, but don't let more time go by without some work on how you are doing.
I have added a couple of books by Dr. Nathaniel Branden, as references on self-esteem. Check them out if you wish to see this issue more clearly.
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