I guess you could say that this was tech day. I had computer tolerations that needed to be eliminated to cheer up my office environment. A couple of problems involved calling tech support and waiting. I also had one eye on the television screen in my office. I watched Martha Stewart make it all look easy. I appreciate that she has elevated domestic proficiency— an area of life that doesn't seem to get the emphasis it deserves. I am glad to see her demonstrate what can be done. It seems to me that many people are living very marginally in the home interest and care department. I speak from experience in observing that first-hand.
I will lay a little groundwork. I grew up as a latchkey kid. My mother raised me alone. Fortunately, I was a diligent student and a voracious reader because I was alone a lot, while she worked hard to support us. I don't remember ever being bored. My first job was tutoring kids and that went on for years. It was great fun. It took me into homes and I watched the interaction between the parents and also between them and their children. Most kids had their "chores" to do and many complained and manipulated their parents.
Mom and I had a small apartment and it was easy to maintain but I don't remember volunteering to do much maintenance. Only years later I realized how much more I could have done. My mother was a caterer, and very competent in the kitchen so I just stayed out of her way. She could do it faster and she was not a particularly patient teacher so I busied myself elsewhere. Outside, tennis was my sport and I loved it. Still, along the way my mother instilled in me the value of hard work. I started early.
When I went away to school and later had roommates I was fortunate to team up with nifty and domestically skilled girls. I learned a lot. Later, I worked in Asia for several years and again, had a good roommate, who had been raised on a farm. She could do everything. We lived in a communal arrangement where everyone shared the work and each person had a cook day. I worked hard at learning how and discovered that I really loved to cook. Also, before I left the U.S. my mother gave me a small sewing machine, some yardage, basic patterns and sewing notions, knowing that I would undertake projects. It opened up a whole new world. Eventually, I made a nice custom wardrobe of classic clothes I liked. There were several unwearable mistakes too, which were pitched after a good laugh at how awful they were.
A couple of fellows also lived in the house along with us and three married couples. The guys were totally helpless about domestic stuff. One of them washed 1 red sock with 6 white shirts and you know the rest. We rescued them many times. We saw that part of their education had been greatly neglected since they had no savvy about practical housekeeping. In tough times when some folks were sick they were of little help, although willing, because they lacked the know-how. (They married talented and efficient women who still had to take care of them in that way.)
One freezing night, my roommate and I had a lengthy discussion ending with a mutual promise that 'if we ever have kids, especially sons, we will train them to do everything in the house and equip them for life.' A promise we remembered. We both had two sons and we both followed up on our pact.
My husband grew up differently as the oldest and so he helped raise his two siblings. I have concluded that he just got an inherent "helpfulness" gene; to this day he never walks in when I am in the kitchen without saying, "What can I do to help?" Ya gotta love that man! What an example he was to our sons! He had a competent mother, who had taught him well. She and I shared many good years working on projects.
The summer our younger child was four and the older boy was seven the little guy began to have accidents in the bathroom. He played outside till he was desperate and then he would dash inside and be just too late, resulting in habitually 'missing the mark.' After several instances it was time to do more than lecture.
A plan went into action—the poster and star incentive program. (That part only lasted a few months but their cooperation in home duties continued thereafter.) Training began as we had a system and duties were tied to the incentive of, "As soon as we get _____done we get to do/go_______." (I must have said that sentence every day of the summer.) We really had fun with it. The Little Squirt got the bathroom detail after Big Brother mastered it. He was very conscientious about using a good toilet brush tool we found at a janitorial supply and he liked the swishing part. I could hear him humming as he went at it. At the end of the summer I overheard a conversation between them. The little guy asked the older one what he liked best about cleaning. Pause. The little one was quick to say enthusiastically, "I just loved doing the toilet; it gets so white!" (To this day he still does. Humble beginnings have led to much bigger things for both.)
Each year we added a few more home duties; we worked together and we worked independently. When they began speaking about the process of certain jobs they were not just doing them to get them over with. As I stirred in the kitchen they pitched in too. As we worked we talked all the time about life, challenges and also discipline. Maybe it was easier to discuss when it wasn't a stare-down session. They were free to make frank observations about us too, which could be hard to hear, although often true. Seems like we worked through a lot of problems doing work at the same time.
By 12 and 15 they could run the house themselves. Both of them had professional cleaning jobs as teenagers, once they figured out it paid much better than work their school friends did. The older kid was good at fixing things. One night I was up late and he came in to talk about a problem. Along the way I was muttering to myself about the upper oven door. He left the room to get the tools, took the door off and fixed it while we talked. We didn't get to bed till 2:00 in the morning but we solved two problems.
My husband worked inside too as well as outside in our big yard, which was quite self-sustaining. Only the grass had to be regularly tended and he used a manual lawnmower. The boys worked with him and when they were in the back yard I watched them from the kitchen window. They would lean on their rakes and stop to talk about something. I would get a catch in my heart, knowing those years would come to an end sooner than I wanted them too. And they did.
Our neighbors, who shared our driveway, once asked me, "What do you pay those kids to work like that? Each gutter costs us $10.00 to get any work out of our kids." Money for work was not part of it; we all considered it as community service. Their allowance money had no strings attached.
Some years ago I had a business I ran from home, even as I do now. It was a very busy time for me because of having a family and a fairly large house. I hired a housecleaner who was a wonder. She worked carefully, steadily and efficiently. I was seldom at home when she was there but when I was I enjoyed watching her. I liked to clean and did a lot between her visits. Everybody understood we would need to get the house ready for the cleaner by putting things in order beforehand. It seemed like common sense to do that. When she moved away I had a second person who was not quite as good as Ann had been, but it gave me a chance to see how another person approached the work. (Little did I know then how much that would help me, as I will tell you later...)
We didn't need to maintain a perfect house; it was a lived-in place and we all enjoyed being in it and working on it. For one thing, given my love of decorating, the kids got a say in what we did, especially in their rooms. They took an interest because they were part of deciding. I had an interior designer friend who stayed with us when she came to town and she loved the stuff we did to our house. She didn't decorate for us she just enjoyed coming. (I later worked with her for a time and it was invaluable help when I began color consulting, which I still do on occasion.)
I have spoken about the family I know best—my own. An important factor in our lives is spirituality and I don't mean that as goody-two-shoes. It is a practical part of our life and the basis for raising obedient kids. I am sure that you and many other families may have success stories of how they did or are doing things. I hope so. I love to hear them.
From interviews I have had with mostly mothers (and some fathers) I don't pick up that many parents connect domestic training with their long-term aspirations for their children. They see it as a separate issue. They speak of "picking my battles" (meaning housekeeping is the least of them.) They are exhausted by the struggle to win cooperation which usually meets with resistance, even from husbands. As for dealing with domestic challenges with the kids: they choose to just shut the door of their rooms.
Interviews with hundreds of young people have been even more revealing. Very few say they feel prepared to live on their own and surprisingly, many remark that their parents don't have a lot of know-how to teach them even if they weren't too busy to do it in the first place. "My mom doesn't cook" is pretty common.
Collaborating to design a practical environment, which creates a warm, consistently welcoming atmosphere at home, is the greatest gift you can give your family (even if you alone are a family of one.) Home is where the heart is. It is a win-win outcome. If we are talking about more members, a spirit of willingness gets the work done, mom smiles more because she gets some time back and the children most likely will grow into appreciative and knowledgeable adults.
That's not all. I think that giving children the gift of domestic proficiency will provide them with far more than the obvious—more than clean surfaces, more than good food to eat. Unequivocally, I believe that it will set them up for a successful life in subtle, far-reaching ways. I plan to share some things I learned (some things I only learned later as it didn't all go perfectly), some ideas that worked well, and a lot of the reasons why I think they will help others.
That's why personal life coaching in this area is my chosen focus. Whether you are single or otherwise, male or female, if any of this here and to come helps you, to live a more gracious life, I will be very happy. If you want a helpful collaborator-coach to work on some of these things together let me know by e-mail.
Visit soon again. I will welcome you and your comments.
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